Cheeks the guinea pig is six years old. He spends a lot of time in his tunnel. He is currently writing his manifesto, on his laptop of course. He is much too technologically advanced to stoop to using the lowly pencil and paper. His plan is world domination. It will be simple. He already has the humans doing his bidding. They spend ridiculous amounts of time and money trying to please him. They purchased a tunnel made from natural organic materials for him. It is not to his liking. The tunnel must be large and it must be made of cardboard and it must be blue. How can the humans expect him to keep all of his high tech equipment in a “natural material” tunnel?
He likes to mess with his humans with regards to his food also. He has found that he can worry the adult female by running away from foods that the humans eat. She worries that the lettuce may contain harmful bacteria when he runs from it. Silly human, it is simply not his favorite brand. The humans try to feed him cucumbers from their garden. This is not acceptable. Where is the flavorful wax coating?
One of his most inventive methods of controlling his humans was to lose most of his fur from the waist down. He tried this a couple of years ago. The humans spent a good amount of money bringing him to the vet and getting medication for him. However, he decided not to use this method of control again. The car ride was not so fun and his humans warned the vet that he tends to bite when annoyed. The vet had the nerve to wrap him in a towel during the examination!
All in all, even if he doesn’t achieve world domination, it’s a pretty good life with his humans. He has trained them well.